Mines of Moria What really happened
by mohawk elf
Summary: What really happened in the mines of Moria. Dance Balrog, dance!


{A/N: Yes, another parody. I enjoy writing parodies, it's a nice exercise when I've got writer's block for some of my more serious projects. I can't help being silly, and after some friends liking it, I decided that maybe someone else might too. If you don't like this, don't flame me, flame them.}  
{Disclaimer: A parody is a parody is a parody. Parodies don't break copyrights, so there [sticks out tongue].}  
  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: I will now tell you a story... that like that Tolkien dude totally didn't, like, even mention. It takes place in the super dark and scary Mines of Moria, or some shit... Anyway, like, you should enjoy this, because this is the only time you're ever gonna, like, see this stuff. So enjoy, and like, sign my damn guest book or something, or I'm gonna FUXX0R you up!  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: The company sits around outside of the Mines of Moria, waiting for the Wizard to figure out the password, or something, and they're really really bored and stuff...  
  
[Pippin throws stones into the water]  
  
Aragorn: [Grabbing Pippin's arm] Don't disturb the water.  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: So, for sure, deep in the waters of Moria the Watcher lies in wait... Who writes this crap?   
  
[The Watcher sits on his futon, talking on the phone to Watcher #2. The shite band, _NSYNC_ plays from his stereo]  
  
Watcher #1: So I showed up at TRL, and like, I soooo badly wanted to see Carson Daly, but the security guards screamed at me and ran away.  
  
Watcher #2: Nooo way! Sauron won't let me go to TRL.  
  
Watcher #1: Way. [Watcher #1 starts painting his tentacle nails] So, then like, MORE security guards came and started shooting at me!  
  
[Watcher #1 is disturbed by a largish stone striking the stereo. The _NSYNC_ CD starts to skip]  
  
[Watcher looks up at the surface of the water in time to be struck in the head by another stone]  
  
Watcher #1: Oh no they DIDN'T! [Says to Watcher #2 on the phone] I'll call you back.  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: Meanwhile back at the bat cave...  
  
Frodo: Wait! It's a riddle! [He looks over the moonlit doorway] What's the Elvish word for friend?  
  
Gandalf: [Sighs wearily] Mellon.  
  
[Doors grind open]  
  
Doors: [Creak, snap, crackle, pop, _RICE CRISPIES!_]  
  
[Author appears]  
  
Author: I wrote GRIND'. When have you ever heard stone creak and crackle?  
  
Doors: Oh, my bad.   
  
Doors: [Grind, grind]  
  
[Author disappears]  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: And then, oh my god, did you see Legolas' ass??? Hey Legolas! A/S/L??  
  
[Legolas ignores her]  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: [Grumbles for a moment] So anyhoo, they went inside and like, oh my god, no one saw that nasty thing in the water!  
  
[Watcher pops out of the water, his hair in pink curlers]  
  
Watcher: EEEEK! You ugly things, go away! [Squeals in girlish horror at the Fellowship]  
  
[Watcher's tentacles make the entrance to the Mines cave in after them]  
  
[Watcher breathes a sigh of relief as they Fellowship disappear]  
  
Annoying Teenage Narrator: So like I was saying-  
  
Watcher: [Squealing again] EEEEW! Go away you ugly girl!  
  
Annoying Teenaged Narrator: Well I never!  
  
[Author takes the script from the teenager and after soundly kicking her skinny ass, she takes over as Narrator.]  
  
Author: Inside the Mines the Fellowship were disheartened to find it much deserted. All light was swallowed by the void of darkness before them.  
  
[Gandalf makes his staff glow]  
  
Gimli: I'll show you the famed hospitality of the Dwarves! [Ramble ramble] There's lots of food for everyone...  
  
[Frodo turns to Sam]  
  
Frodo: If this bastard keeps flapping at the gums I'm going to feed him to Pippin.  
  
[Pippin smacks his lips in anticipation, twirling an invisible mustache between two fingers]  
  
Gimli: [Still Rambling] And there are beautiful Dwarven maidens, and plenty of strawberry scented soap...  
  
Boromir: This is no mine... It's a tomb!  
  
[Fellowship look around and notice the skeletons and long faded signs of battle]  
  
Fellowship (except Gimli): GASP, MUTTER, MUTTER, GASP, SHRIEK  
  
Gimli: [Rambles] And there are plenty of naked monkeys, and hot Dwarf sex for all! And you could buy an old man to touch your pe-  
  
Boromir: Did you not hear me, Dwarf friend? This is no mine... It's a tomb.  
  
Gimli: And sometimes when I'm lonely, I come to the whore house in the basement, and wa-  
  
Fellowship (except Gimli): GIMLI, EVERYONE IS DEAD!  
  
[Gimli finally looks around, and his mouth drops open]   
  
Gimli: NOOOOO!  
  
[Legolas looks over the script]  
  
Legolas: Something is wrong... We're supposed to find this out and then try to leave. That's when the squid thing is _supposed_ to collapse the cave!  
  
Author: Meanwhile...  
  
Watcher #1: [snicker snicker]  
  
Author: OK, back to the Mines...  
  
Gandalf: All right, wether we're out of order or not, it doesn't matter. They'll just edit this anyway. OK, let's go, this place smells like sweaty bollocks.  
  
Author: And to the dismay of the company they find that there will be no welcoming, nor even light upon their journey, and as they ascend many steps, their hearts lay heavy within their breasts. [Giggle] I said _breasts_, heh heh Anyway, after what seemed like an eternity to everyone, Gandalf motioned for them to stop.  
  
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.  
  
[Merry whispers to Pippin]  
  
Merry: Great time for the old bird to develop alzheimers.  
  
[Everyone slumps down onto the cold stone of the ground.]  
  
Author: The Fellowship decide to let Gandalf alone while he thought of their next path. And eventually they began to smoke their pipes and talk quietly. Gandalf sat alone pondering his next move...  
  
Gandalf: [Thinking] I hope I set the tv to record _Friends_.  
  
[Frodo perched beside the Wizard, his eyes wide as usual]  
  
Frodo: There's something following us...  
  
Gandalf: [Sighs] That would be Gollum.  
  
Frodo: Gollum!?  
  
Gandalf: Yes, I'm afraid it's a terribly long story...  
  
Frodo: Ok then, I'll leave you alon-  
  
Gandalf: [Interrupts] But since you want to hear it...  
  
Author: And Gandalf launched into a freaking bore fest on how he met Gollum in a bar, and that night he didn't have any condoms...  
  
Frodo: [Gasps]  
  
Gandalf: So you see... Gollum is after me for the damned child support. But it was a booty call, and he knew it!  
  
Frodo: [Confused] But if Gollum is a guy... How did he get pregnant?  
  
Gandalf: He's a-  
  
Author: DUN DUN DUN!  
  
Gandalf: -hermaphrodite.  
  
[Sam, who only heard the last snatches of the conversation, looks angry]  
  
Sam: Gandalf! You swore you wouldn't tell!  
  
[Fellowship stares]  
  
[Gandalf stands and points towards a dark opening, and from the faint glow of his staff, the Fellowship could see the outline of steps leading down]  
  
Gandalf: It's thata way!  
  
Merry: He's remembered!  
  
Gandalf: No, I just want to get the hell out of this smelly stink hole already.  
  
Author: So their descent into further darkness was a welcome one indeed, for the Fellowship felt light of foot at the prospect of finding an exit from the gloom. They get to the great hall and after a wondering look about, they are distracted by the sounds of much merriment and... music?  
  
Legolas: What the hell? [Looks over script again] That's not supposed to happen.  
  
Gandalf: Shut up!  
  
Gimli: It's coming from the... NOOOOO!  
  
[Gimli begins to run away into a room and stops, his mouth slack with shock.]  
  
[Dancing on Balin's tomb is Balrog, and he's wearing a leather G-string. A leather mask covers his face, the mouth area unzipped showing wreaths of flame. Tassels twirl from his fiery nipples]  
  
[_Disco Inferno_ plays in the chamber as Balrog dances. Orcs gather around throwing money and drinking]  
  
Gandalf: I quit!  
  
[Fellowship moves to leave, throwing their weapons on the ground]  
  
Author: No wait! It's just starting to get good. [Pleading] C'mon, please?  
  
[Fellowship (except Gimli) are gone]  
  
[Author turns to Gimli]  
  
Gimli: I knew the whore house was still around! [Squeals in delight]


End file.
